Team NutSac

Friday evening phone call…

Stoller: I lost 6/10′s of a pound this week!

Hawk: Is that something to brag about?

S: Is not finishing last in anything something to brag about?

H: Touche’

Saturday…

It’s an easy 20 minute drive from my place to the McKeldin Area of Patapsco state park so it’s a relaxed morning before I arrive. I arrive a hour before the players meeting and the parking lot is surprisingly empty. Hmmm… I check in with TD Brian and begin to practice putt…forever. I’m sharing baskets with Buckethead who is determined to not be one throw short of the ca$h line again. I’m eyeballing the competition to see who can be my DFL cushion. Bobby arrives, and while he has more shots than me, he can go from being competitive to playing for “fun”, not just in a tourney, not just in a round, but in the middle of a shot. I’ve seen him try, and make, 75′ wide open turbo putts just for giggles. He could be my guy! Sparky is present (though he’s playing Grand Master) and he’s still working his NutSac. TD Brian finally calls us in for the players meeting. To his credit he once again keeps it amazingly brief. During this I spy my newest rival Chas Ford. He’s bundled up like the cold and dampness is bothering him. I like it.

Round 1 (of 3) has me carded with Dean, Andy, and Doug. Dean is really good. He’s GM eligible but plays Open because he’s a bad ass. He’s qualified for the USDGC every year back when that meant something. I tell him my goal is to stay within 10 throws of him. We start on #11. On #13 my drive weaves through some trees. Dean says:

That’s one of the best throws I’ve ever seen on this hole!

On #15 my drive again stuns my card mates. I make the deuce putt. This could be the round! I’m hanging around with Dean’s score. I’m either having the round of my life or he’s having a really bad morning. Naturally it turns out to be the later. On #2 Dean Roadrunners up the fairway for a deuce. On #7 we run into Flippyputt who is spotting dressed up like a beatnik. It’s a rather curious experience. I end up at 68 (to Dean’s 67) which I’m pretty happy with.

During the break I use the facilities and find some less than masculine hand soap in the men’s restroom. Perhaps what you hear about parks and restrooms is accurate. After eating my lunch I mosey over to tourney central to catch park employee Badger wrapping up his presentation. I missed the turtle but he’s got a large owl on his wrist. He looks like Grizzly Adams. He’s likely to be a park poster in the next fiscal year. Checking the scoreport I see I’m on the fifth card (from the bottom) which is some sweet action. I run into Chas. He’s shot a 67 to best me by 1.

This time I’m starting on hole #11 which is the wide open 600′+ field hole. Joining me is the aforementioned Bobby, Buck (a local deaf discer) and Jared. I spend the round calling Jared, Pierre. It’s part of the psychological games you have to play with these young gun Open guys who are half of my Masters eligible age. Jared’s girlfriend is caddying for him and smirks a lot at my Pierre strategy. Jared begins to beat us down. I am plugging along with 4′s and 5′s. My goal was to throw 72 on this layout. I’m going to need some 3′s. I have chances at 3′s. I miss the putts. On hole #4 I out drive the ladies CTP. Bobby is not impressed. Comedy moment of the tourney occurs when we get to hole #6. Buck is up the hill facing a dangerous downhill 35′ putt. He lines it up and nails it. We burst into congratulations. While waiting for others to putt out I feel a tap on my shoulder. Buck shows me his note pad on which he’s written:

I didn’t Jerman that!

Bobby and I are laughing so hard we are almost crying. My quest for a three continues. I’ve already airputted a three away on numbers 14 and 3. Now the card becomes aware of my struggle. Jared’s caddy is in to it and she’s rooting me on. #5 saw my bid for three hit high, bounce off the tray and turn into another four. On #8 I have a 15′er…left side chains, off the tray, and out. Finally at #10 I have a 12′er…my nerves are shot. This is after I have again won the ladies CTP on this hole. Bobby remains unimpressed with my distance prowess.  Unknown to me, Jared bets Bobby $1 that I make it…Jared loses his dollar. I’m last on the card with a 77. Jared goes 71. Bobby and Buck throw 73′s. I’m not liking my chances of being fifth card up from the bottom Sunday morning for the final round. Heading for the car I pass the scoreport. Chas has shot an identical 77. Game on! I’m also beating all the lady pros. In the parking lot I cross paths with Asst. TD Joel. He has 1,000 red party cups in his truck cab. Hmmm…

Sunday…

I’m back for the third (and for me final) round. I’ll be rolling out before the final 9 gets under way. Though the temptation of the catered grilled cheese lunch is bizarre enough to almost make me stick around. A restaurant that specializes in grilled cheeses? I check the scoreport and find that I’m not on the last card. On my card are Matt and Andrew (both of whom I’ve played rounds with before) and top of my card is (dramatic music….) Chas!!!! He’s filling out the round card. He looks at me and…smiles. He glances at my yellow NutSac polo and mentions that I look like a cab. Chas and I analyze our DFL cushions. A couple of players haven’t returned so while that assures us of not being last we want to finish ahead of someone who actually plays all three rounds. Hello Bruce! He’s on the card with the three ladies. Chas has Bruce by about 19 throws. I mention how when my card ran into Bruce and the ladies in the second round I observed Bruce throw a 20′ drive into a thick tree on the left side of #9′s fairway and then take an ugly kick into a place you don’t want to be. I think we’ll be okay. We head out to #13 to start the round. We’re playing the identical layout as round two because…no apparent logical reason.

To begin working Chas I recount my greatness on #13 from Saturday. He’s duly impressed. I tee off. Immediately I’m in trouble in the trees to the left. I make a heroic four; because that’s what I do. Meanwhile Chas takes a bad five. We’re tied! On #14 I get a three! Where is Jared and his caddy girlfriend now!?!?! The next several holes are Saturday afternoon all over again. I’m trapped in time reliving the second round with my 4′s and 5′s (though the 4 and 5 didn’t always occur on the same holes as Saturday afternoon) while Chas is consistently giving me a stroke or two per hole. He’s missing his putts. He’s a good putter but he’s putting like me in round two. Meanwhile I’m making putts like I did in round one. It’s weird. It’s a beat down. If this was a boxing match the ref would have stepped in and waved Chas off. It takes Chas about eight holes before he manages to tie me on back to back holes. At that point I’m about 10 throws ahead of  him for the round. As we get to hole #7 Flippyputt is spotting again. He notices me and says:

You look like a cab.

The round proceeds. Chas has no last holes rally like he did when we last faced off for DFL shame. Redemption for Scarboro achieved. DFL avoided. My work here is done. I shoot 76 for the round. Which makes me laugh. Same exact score from round two minus the 3 from #14. I avoided any sixes or worse for the whole tourney. As we leave Chas mentions that he’ll be looking for me at the North vs. South in October. Apparently he’s already got revenge on his mind.

Tourney results are here: http://www.pdga.com/tournament_results/73062 

Photos are in the Yahoo! group here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nutsac/photos/album/445325533/pic/list

As we head into the off season NutSac is insisting that I earn my keep here in between my tourney travails. To that end I’m once again offering all of you the benefit of my years of life experience, genius level IQ, and cynical outlook on life. If you have questions, if you need advice, if you are lost and looking for direction, I’m here to help…or publicly ridicule you. Send your queries to me at: AskHawk@NutSacbags.com.

Stats are for losers,

YDGH