Regular readers know that in my nomadic travels I regularly run into fellow cult members toting their ‘Sacs around on courses. Who are these people, and why do they frighten other discers? In an effort to answer these burning questions I’ve decided to start profiling cult members. If you would like to be the subject of a cult member profile email me a pic of you with your ‘Sac, and a bio. I’ll send you some questions. It’s that simple. Just those few steps will put you on the path to becoming an International Disc Golf Celebrity just like YDGH. Pics and bios can be emailed to email@example.com.
For the first cult member profile I’ve selected Sparky. He’s been in the cult since ’11 and someone I’ve been discing with since ’02. Meet Mark Sherwood:
How long have you been using your NutSac?
1 year, 8 months I remember it well, I won it at the Calvert Nutsac Open, playing Advanced I won by a stroke coming from the second card to the dismay of three players who tied on the lead card. That year I won titles in 6 divisions, 3 pro and 3 am!!!
What do you like best about your ‘Sac?
It is light, no strain on the back, and with only a few discs, disc selection is easy.
What discs do you have in your ‘Sac?
163 Tern, 163 Mamba, 167 Glo Ontario Roc, 174 Yeti Pro putter.
What do other players most often ask you about your NutSac?
How long have you been discing?
Over 50 years, just over 50 disc golfing.
What if your favorite disc moment?
When I perform well and cash/win.
What other hobbies do you have?
Mountain Biking, Ping Pong.
What are your turn-ons?
Friendship, competition, love.
What are your turn-offs?
What are your ambitions?
Keep on truckin’
As You Think
Favorite television show?
Life of Pi
Make Room for Me off of Chris Smither’s latest CD Hundred Dollar Valentine.
Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
No, how dare you ask …
When was the last time you actually kissed a girl?
Do you sleep on your side, stomach or back?
What was your first personal experience with death?
When did you get your first doll?
When did you learn there was no Santa Claus?
Did you feel different as a child?
Yes and No.
If you could have dinner with five famous people from history, who would they be?
(Sparky provided no answer to this question. Apparently he couldn’t think of anyone more interesting than himself to dine with.)
What one word would you use to describe yourself?
When did you find out life is not fair?
Listen to my favorite song and you will know.
Why are we here?
To be part of the fabric of the universe hopefully in harmony.
Since Sparky (yes I bastardized his nickname years ago…it almost evolved to Snarky at one point…and then there is the whole Apeshit tradition which I’ll save for another time) is local I arranged to meet up with him at Rockburn to take his cult member profile photo and throw a round.
I arrive to find Sparky coming out of the porta potty. He pops his trunk:
Well that certainly confirms one of his answers. He has sharks on his dashboard:
I find this to be a little creepy…
Sparky: I was going to meet a friend here.
Hawk: Do you often meet men in public parks?
The creepy meter climbs a little more…
Sparky calls his buddy while I mosey down to #1 to lounge on a bench. I find this timely sign:
Sparky joins me. He wants to bet me a Nassau. I don’t bet on disc anymore. He then tries to sell me a Maryland bag tag. I’m appalled. He looks so sad I agree to the Nassau. $1 on the front, $1 on the back, $1 overall. Sparky is actually carrying five discs in his ‘Sac today. He’s added a Bolt. I have no idea what a Bolt is. I think this is bad karma though. We both botch our approaches on #1. Sparky tees off on #2:
He picks one up on me. We get to #4. Sparky’s drive hits early…
…leaving him this second shot:
I smell blood in the water. It’s a push. I finally do something when I bomb #5 and convert this drive…
…for a deuce. Note Sparky in the background marking his putt for three. I piss it away on #6. Sparky tees off on #7:
Sparky has this for his third…
…and I again am smelling blood in the water…for naught as he gets his first tree love kick of the day. We push everything else. Scores on the front:
Since I never play the back as well as the front I’m not liking my chance$. I promptly give one away on #10 to live up to my back nine tradition. We push a few more holes.
Sparky barely keeps it on the course on #13:
The Bolt goes far and a little right. We’re not sure if he’s OB in the creek or not.
Sparky: May I throw the Tern as a practice throw?
Hawk: Normally I wouldn’t care, but it could give you a competitive edge going forward.
Hawk: Hello you are the one who insisted we put money on this.
I walk down the hill snickering. It’s another push as I blow another opportunity. We get to #14. Sparky hits early. I do the standard Leopard…
…for another deuce. We get to #16 and I go, “Who would leave a bottle of sun screen back here?”:
Ohhhh… I call the long basket hoping for some disaster for Sparky. His drive is solid…
…but he botches his approach. I go all heroic. I get another throw back. We are even for the day heading to #17. Sparky is looking around for some help:
We’re still even at #18. I call the long basket to settle this like men. Sparky chases my impressive drive:
I three. Sparky fives.
Scores on the back:
Hawk: 27 (60)
Sparky: 30 (62)