This charity bowl has the most personal history for me. I haven’t played it the past couple of years but decided I was going to return this year. It is run by 857. Back around ’05 when he and I were both enthusiastic, younger and more foolish believers in the Association he decided he would organize a charity bowl at his home course Druid Hill in downtown Baltimore. Druid Hill is where the Baltimore Zoo is. The locals always say if you can’t find a used condom or needle during a round you haven’t been paying attention. As 857 and I were bantering around marketing ideas back in the day for the first charity bowl at Druid Hill he came up with the idea of using the courses rep and introduced the greatest charity bowl slogan ever:
Free crack yo!
This quickly went on the flyer (back then players actually hung flyers on courses to advertise events) and playing with the crack theme I added a picture of Cuban model Vida Guerra. Many of you may not be familiar with her work as you may not be regular readers of such fine publications as Smooth. However feel free to swing by corporate anytime as Greg has a coffee table stacked with back issues in the lobby. I’ll pause briefly so you can Yahoo! Ms. Guerra and see for yourself why I selected her. I would suggest using Vida Guerra ass as your search terms. I’m confident 58% of you readers won’t make it back to this blog until Tuesday. Be advised that most of these images are NSFW. We proudly advertised the Druid Charity Bowl on the Association message board. A couple of days pass and 857 gets a call at work from the Association tool who is head of the charity bowls.
857: Hello this is Paul:
Association Tool: Hi Paul it’s Rick from the Association.
857: Hey Rick what’s going on?
AT: Well Paul while we appreciate you organizing a charity bowl at Druid we are a little concerned about the concept and direction you are taking.
857: How so?
AT: Well your flyer and the posts on the message board aren’t the happy wholesome image we are looking to project with these events.
857: I’m just trying to generate buzz (insert your own joke here) to increase attendance and the amount of money raised.
AT: We’re concerned that you’ve got a crack whore on your flyer.
857: She’s not a crack whore she’s an ass model.
AT: And we’re not comfortable with the involvement of this Hawkgammon character and the charity bowl.
857: Hawkgammon? He’s not involved at all. I barely know the guy. He’s just a local player who posts junk on a message board.
AT: Oh. Okay then. Thanks. Keep up the good work then.
*now you know why we never say ice around here with regards to the charity bowls.
The funniest part of the conversation to me as recounted by 857 is how he’s at work at his financial institution wearing his shirt and tie huddled over the phone whispering “She’s not a crack whore” hoping his co-workers can’t overhear his conversation.
So I’m heading into the city…
I bet you don’t have one of these in your neighborhood. I enjoy some local ambiance as I mosey to the park.
I’m a bit early for the announced 1000 draw but at least it’s gotten above freezing:
I turn over my mini and entry fee to 857 and we both marvel at this man…
…who is either doing crunches or is having a seizure. Someone has provided donut holes and coffee:
Sparky is present and wearing another of his fashion disasters. It’s some kind of long cold/waterproof socks/leggings and shorts. Who else would possibly dress this bizarrely?
Well that guy on the right of course. Local legend Flippyputt is present wearing an El Tie Dye hat:
While standing around we hear sirens. This is a normal background noise at Druid much like the call of Loons on Canadian lakes. As we all turn towards Green Spring Ave. to watch Baltimores finest go zipping by we are amused to see them encounter the barrels blocking Green Spring Ave. A tree has fallen across the road and the City has workers blocking the road at both ends while they remove the tree. The police cars are undeterred. They simply drive across the end of #18′s fairway and roar on down the road. Ahhh….Druid Hill!
El Tie Dye himself is present…
ETD: I don’t see any banana pics for you today.
Hawk: Perhaps these guys have finally learned their lesson.
El Tie Dye then proceeds to pull out a banana! He breaks it off into hunks so I can’t get the banana in the mouth pic. He grins at me proud of his cleverness as he thwarts my photo efforts. This consumption technique does however provide me with an early candidate for photo of the year:
857 begins counting minis:
The Druid Hill Charity Bowl is triples like their Thursday night weekly “doubles”. All the players are rated by skill on a 1-5 scale. 1 is newbie. 5 is a 1000 rated player. You put your number on your mini. The minis go in a bag and three minis are drawn at a time. The three numbers must equal at least a total of six to be a three player team. 857 begins shuffling the minis in his bag…
…(missed product placement opportunity here) and starts throwing down the teams:
Each card is just the threesome on a team. No sixsomes herding around the course so you never really know how you are doing in comparison to anyone. Of course anytime you pass another threesome you lie about how well or poorly you are throwing. I’m carded with Greg and Andrew. We are all threes so our team total is 9. We are starting on #4. We’re playing the standard 18 holes plus the nine X-holes. Greg gets us started on #4:
Followed by Andrew:
Andrew demonstrates immediately that this course can’t contain his power as his drive goes OB deep. Two thoughts go through my mind:
1. This guy might be an erratic maniac.
2. He could be very useful later.
Greg attempts to snap me teeing off, and fails:
Druid is generally a very open course. The X-holes however get you into the woods. After hole #4 you play the first six X-holes. Greg tees off on 1X:
Followed by Andrew:
We debate between the preference of my drive to Greg’s. Before I can even think about getting the camera out for the potential deuce putt pic Greg steps up to his lie and I hear chains crashing. Therefore we begin a new blog feature I’m calling “Discers with their made deuce putts”. Here is Greg on 1X:
Andrew launches on 2X:
Greg also flicks 2X:
Andrew on 4X:
Followed by Greg:
Druid has a lot of big old trees that are giving up the ghost:
We get back on the deuce train on 5X with another Greg drive and putt:
Greg: These pics are going to make me look like a douche.
Hawk: They merely confirm a universal known.
Andrew gets into the fun on 6X with his drive and putt:
We’re back out on the main course getting ready to tee off on #5. Ski and his card pass us. I mention to Ski we just went six down in the woods. He’s rocked by this news. Please see above about lying to your competitors. My drive is sweet action on #5. Andrew bests me by 10′ so we are putting from his lie. Don’t let that big hill to the right scare you. Greg putts…
…and misses. Andrew putts…
Disc Golf Hero to the rescue. We are 4 down and rolling. Greg teeing off on #6:
It is called Druid Hill after all. Greg banging home another deuce for us on #8:
We get to #11 and Andrew flicks us around the bend and we’ve got a nasty downhill putt for the deuce. First up is Andrew…
…who misses. Greg makes our deuce run…
Disc Golf Hero.
At this point Andrew begins to carry Greg and I for about the next five holes. He drives us to a deuce putt chance on #12. The boys both whiff and my putt somehow comes out of the chains ruining my shot at a turkey bail out putt save for the team. We are back in the X-holes. Andrew handles 7X:
Andrew’s drive saves 8X:
Andrews drive saves 9X. We are back on the course teeing off on #13. Andrew unleashes another monster drive and makes this putt…
…for our deuce. Another Andrew drive on #14 leads to this deuce putt:
Greg and I begin considering just waiting for Andrew to finish holes 1-3 for us when we get to the parking lot after #18. Teeing off on #17 we again cross paths with Ski’s card:
Ski: Did you guys really go six down in the x-holes?
Hawk: Oh yeah.
Ski walks away shaking his head. Again…you always lie to the other cards at triples! Andrew bombs in this putt on #17 for yet another deuce:
We get to hole 1. You’ve heard of CTP’s. Over the past few years around here there has been the proliferation of CTB’s. Closest to The Beer. I first saw one of these at Whispering Falls. Hole #1 is a CTB. The twist here is the six pack is actually on the fairway marking the CTB!
Greg unleashes a drive that while not CTB gives us yet another deuce:
…is OB. Our round is complete. We are 10 down. We had no fours. All threes and twos. Walking back to the registration table we can see we will be first card in. We have found no used condoms or needles. Then Greg goes, “Dimebag!”
I’m prepared to do the Nomads roll out, but I have El Tie Dyes jacket in my trunk. Drats! He staggers in 15 minutes behind us. So far our -10 is the hot card. More cards come in. There seems to be a three way tie for third place at -6. We are the winners. For some bizarre reason the teams tied for third place are going to play this off for their entry fees back. Most players donate any winnings back to the Maryland Food Bank at charity bowls so why are we going through this debacle?!?! El Tie Dye is taunting me that I am hanging around to watch this. I can’t tear myself away due to the sheer lunacy of playing off for third place. El Tie Dye has offered to match any winnings donated back to the food bank so I’m giving my $40 back just to cost El Tie Dye $40. So again there is no reason for me to stay but these threesomes are going to super nine a three way playoff for third place! During the milling around I spy Toad wearing this t-shirt:
A: A crude sexual reference?
B: A proclamation of his career as a plumber?
C: A shirt from a sky diving school?
It’s one of those Polar Bear Plunge fund raiser deals. DO Joel/Jerry/Scott are eliminated from the riveting third place battle when the teams tee from #1 metal to #2′s basket. The two remaining teams go to #3′s metal tee to throw to #4′s basket. El Tie Dye and I are walking along watching this travesty so we can heckle Sparky who is on one of the teams. The gallery is getting hydrated:
Sparky/Steve/Colin put this play-off to bed when Steve bangs in a long putt for their three. Payouts happen. I watch El Tie Dye donate about $150 matching returned winnings, and I finally roll out two hours behind the normal Nomads roll out time. On the way back I spy another grocery store…
…that I bet you don’t have in your neighborhood.
Results courtesy of 857:
scores (missing one card)
-10 greg m/hawk/andrew $120
-7 matty/garrett/pat m $66
-6 s. romeo/shark/colin $45 (won playoff for 3rd)
-3 TE/d2/steve t
-3 rick/general zink/tim
-2 roger/jon h/tavis
Free crack yo,