The Patapsco Punisher


As predicted an email from our TD…

The park will now be open at 7:30 a.m. on 4/7/12. Check-in begins at 8:45 a.m. and closes at 9:30 a.m. We’ll cya on Saturday.

Stephen Badger


Dick’s back out at Patapsco practicing. The hero of Rockburn is convinced that this will be Jerman’s Waterloo. He went out and practiced Sunday solo and reported to me that he shot a 70 on the Green Monster. He texted me after work saying he was heading back out and invited me to join him. I had to decline as I was at the gym. He calls me after his round:

Dick: Just shot a 69 on the Green Monster!

Hawk: Impressive, but that is a practice round which is different than actual tourney play as you know.

Dick: Whatever man. Jerman’s going down.

Hawk: Okay.

Dick: Dude I saw the hottest high school girl in the parking lot…

Hawk: Okay you’re starting to creep me out again.

Dick: Well she was probably a little older than that…

Hawk: (click)


I roll into Patapsco a little after 0815 hours:


There is no line at the guard gate. There is no guard there to collect the entrance fee. I’m shocked. We’re on the “honor system” to pay. I pay and proceed in. I’m the first of the three of us to arrive. Jorge Cafe rolls in a few minutes behind me and parks nearby. Jerman follows a few minutes later. The three of us decide to warm-up by playing holes 1-3 and 10 before heading up the hill to sign in with TD Badger. Jorge fuels up for his upcoming battle in the Grandmothers division with some 5 hour energy crap:


Once again note the enormous speakers in the Kia! Warming up I’m playing better than Jerman which makes me go hmmmm…  We check in, which to Badger’s credit is smooth and quick and we receive our players pack. You get your choice of a DX Aviar or a DX Roc with a park stamp on it. You also get one of Badger’s business cards.


He’s an employee of the state park system. He’s a “naturalist”. None of the three of us are quite sure what that means, but we’re fearful it’s somehow similar to being a nudist. Note the nice manicure on Jorge’s hand!

Jerman catches me and Dick conspiring against him:


At tourney central I run into Sparky who as you know is a full time member of the cult now:


You’ll note that Sparky has finally adopted the full NutSac philosophy and is only carrying 4 discs! Today he’s rolling with his Aviar, his Roc, his Roadrunner and a Mamba. Let’s go down the checklist:

1. Ponytail

2. Tie dye attire

He must be the TD!


TD Badger conducts an efficient players meeting…

Jorge: I think he’s wearing a tapestry of some sort.

Hawk: I was thinking it was an Oriental rug.

Co TD Fred:


Analysis of this photo later resolved the debate Jorge and I had regarding whether or not Fred was picking his nose during the players meeting. During the meeting Jerman (blue hoodie) moseyed over to chat to Bobby Vodka (black KFC visor…no I don’t make this stuff up):


Here you see them reacting to TD Badgers thoughts on organized religion and sports hydration during the tourney. In the background you’ll note Shawn asking for a water bottle check on Bobby Vodka. Dick has managed to pull some strings with TD Badger to get the three of us (and Jorge) on the same card in round one. We’re starting on hole #10. Here Dick poses and proves that black is not always slimming:


During the players meeting TD Badger informed us that we’d be playing long to silver (the short layout) the first round and then the Green Monster (long to green) the second round. He also mentioned that there would be a videographer and some still photographers roaming the course during the event. The media herd congregate around our card on hole #10. We engage in some witty banter with them. The photographers are our age. The videographer is an American University grad student. She’s hot. We want to look good. We tee off. Dick is in the fairway. Jerman is leaning against the fence in bounds. Jorge is in the fairway. I smack into the tree just in front of the short tee. I hit another early tree on my second throw. On my third throw I’m in the cluster of trees separating the long pin on #10 with 18′s fairway. Dick yells in glee when I land in the cluster. Jerman finally gets to throw and he also lands in the cluster. 

Dick: You turned yours over also Jer!

Jerman: I’m going towards the basket you idiot!

Dick: We’re going to the silver basket you idiot!

Whoops! We practiced the Green Monster so much that I was on auto-pilot and I’m throwing to the wrong basket. Jerman is simply following me. Now I’m in the middle of the crap laying three looking at a 5 or 6. Full blown panic is about to overtake me. Jerman is 15′ away from my disaster, but on the edge of the cluster so he’s looking okay for his four. I’m looking around crazily for a way out.


Jerman walks me through a plan like an air traffic controller talking a passenger through a landing whose taken over the controls of a jet liner after the pilot passes out from food poisoning. Meanwhile Dick is 15′ out with a putt for his 3. He’s smelling early blood and is joyful. Jerman ups so he’s got a 4 locked in. I up so I’ve got the 5 locked in. Dick is low on his 3 putt so he takes a 4 to push the hole with Jerman:


 I’m only 1 back after the worse possible start possible. Jerman and I exchange knowing looks. Dick is dismayed. Jerman rights the ship with this 3 on #11:


Dick tees off on #12…


…and the wheels begin to come off. Jorge continues to fuel his machine at #13′s tee:


Jerman takes scores and has a personal message for our TD:


The Dancing Bear’s 2nd shot on #13:


Jorge’s second shot on #13:


Dick trying to save a 3 on #13:


At #14′s tee Jerman and I have both pulled ahead of Dick. He’s gone from a giddy high at #10 to a depressed low in just 4 holes:


He’s not a factor the rest of the day. $25 gets your name on a stick!


Arts and crafts on #16′s bench:


Jerman: I see skulls in there:


Jorge is in a bad place on #18.



It’s the same damn cluster of trees I was in on #10. This was a dagger by Jerman. He’s botched his approach on #18. I’m thinking I’m getting a stroke back on him (he’s ahead of me by 2 at this point) and I’m underneath the basket for a drop-in 3. He saunters over…


…and makes this putt! Then things got interesting! On #1 Dick throws a roller off the tee that goes horribly awry. He’s not even halfway to the basket. His 2nd shot floats way right of the basket. He has this putt for his 3:


He misses and he’s behind the v tree you see in the background with a long comebacker for his four. Smelling blood in the water Jer and I position ourselves with cameras ready. Dick asks us to move a little to each side. He putts…


…he hits solid chains (note Jerman in the background exulting) and his putter bounces off the pole and hits the ground and rolls right back towards Dick! Dick’s putt for 5 misses:


It’s a 6! It’s a disaster. Then things got really uncomfortable. We move to #2. There’s a mando on the right side of the fairway telling you to stay to the left. The three of us tee off. Dick is last. Jorge and I are standing to the right of the tee box with a clear look at the mando. Dick tees off. I see his pink TL go under the mando arrow and to the right of the mando stump:

Hawk: He missed the mando.

Jorge: Yup he missed it.

We walk up and Dick argues that he made the mando. Jorge and I stand firm. Jerman pipes in that he also saw the mando miss. Dick is livid.

Dick: If that’s what you guys need to do to win!

Jorge mutters to me: If 3 guys tell me I missed a mando I wouldn’t argue it.

Dick throws from the drop zone and takes his four:


 It’s a tough hit after just going six on #1. To try and ease the tension in the group Jorge whips out his phone and shares some porn with me. Then things got really awkward! I tee off on #3 and my Batman Leopard is up too high and hyzering. There’s a mando on the left side of the fairway telling you to stay right. I’m stepping off the tee to watch the flight. I believe I make the mando and hit one of the trees behind the mando and kick left. Dick calls it a missed mando. We turn to Jorge and Jerman who both say they didn’t have clean looks at it so they can’t make the call. Oh oh. We walk up and Dick and I debate my landing. Since it’s just the two of us debating the situation I use the old “Benefit of doubt goes to the player” and throw forward as if I made the mando. Suddenly it’s very quite…

Jorge putts on #4:


We get to #9 and harmony is more or less back in place among the four of us. Once again I think I have a golden opportunity to get a stroke back on Jerman after I make a heroic approach from the wrong side of the road…


and Jerry fluffs his approach. He needs to make this putt to save his 3…


…which he does! The bastard! Scores from the first round:

Jerman: 59

Hawk: 62

Dick: 70

That’s the 70 he wanted to shoot in the afternoon round. Jorge shoot 68 in the Grandmothers division just to rub salt in Dick’s numerous open wounds. He’s not happy. We lunch on catered BBQ and head out for our second round. Jerman is on the lead card with title hopes. I’m on the third card with Larry (who is better than me), Darrell, and your 2011 NutSac Swamp Stomp Intermediate Champion Travis; who I’m supposedly better than since his rating is underneath the Tripwire. Dick is on the last card in Advanced. This round passes without any drama at all compared to round 1. Larry quickly demonstrates why he’s better than us and pulls away. He shoots a 69 and eventually ties Jerman for 3rd overall. Darrell starts off slowly and gives Larry a late round run for the card. Travis and I engage in a battle of two guys who are having a really bad 2nd round.

Larry makes a brave putt for his 3 on #15:


Travis runs his 3 putt on #15…


…and then putts for his 4:


Yeah it was that kind of an afternoon. Darrell teeing off on #7:


Travis’s tomahawk 2nd shot on #8:


We finish on #9 where we see the lead card of Grandmothers teeing off on #5. Here’s Sparky teeing off…


…he shoot an impressive 57 in round one with his 4 disc NutSac, but faired much worse in the afternoon. Scores from the 2nd round:

Dick: 70  He’s consistent! (140)

Jerman: 72 (131)

Hawk: 78 (140)

I fail to reel in Jerman in a classic fisherman opportunity and Dick redeems himself in the afternoon to tie me for the day.

2012 NutSac Challenge Standings:

Jerman: 1

Dick: 1

Hawk: 0

Results are here:

More photos are in the Yahoo! group. Additional photos courtesy of Jerman.

This might be a long season,




April 9, 2012Permalink

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